And so the sun has set on my 46th revolution on this planet.  There's a lot to reflect on this year, a lot has changed.  A year ago, I was housebound, and very nearly bed-bound,  Depression, pain, and anxiety so severe I could barely breathe at the thought of going somewhere had me trapped in a personal hell few were aware of.  My lowest point needed 89 stitches to fix, and it had been like this for nearly seven years.  My youngest son didn't even remember a time when I was a functional parent.  I was on three different antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, and two forms of narcotics.  My extended family barely recognized the haunted ghost of myself I'd become. 

Frankly, neither did I. 

But last December,  things changed.  I got up. I went into the kitchen, and I started cleaning.  Over the days, and weeks, I reclaimed control of my kitchen, and simultaneously,  my life. I began to feel joy.  That devastating numbness began to lift, and I felt actual joy.  I could feel the sun on my face, the warmth on my skin, and as winter turned to spring, and spring to summer, I threw open all the windows.  I let the old, stale air out, I let in the sound of the birds, and the smell of the breeze.  I consciously listened, and felt, and breathed it all in, while the knots in my stomach loosened.  Finally. 

There have been ups and downs to be sure.  I weaned myself off of the anti-depressants, and weaning off of anti-depressants reverts a person to toddlerhood, while things balance back out in the brain.  It makes you have BIG FEELINGS, and knowing that these BIG FEELINGS are temporary, doesn't always help much, because they are FEELINGS.  And they are BIG**  I also weaned myself off of the narcotics.  Turns out, I didn't need them anymore, but I didn't know that because weaning off of narcotics cause BIG PAIN.  But, just like with the BIG FEELINGS, the BIG PAIN also subsides as the brain recalibrates.   

Fall is approaching, and I worry a bit, because winter is really hard for me.  I don't like being cold all the time, and the long, dark nights almost feel like they have a physical weight.  As if the earth's gravity has slightly increased, making the simplest things seem so overwhelming, and hard.

But the truth is, the darkness could drop in five minutes, and it doesn't matter.  It doesn't matter, because I have right now, and I will not let the maybe of five minutes from now suck dry this moment.  This now, which is as much mine as I want it to be.









**I should probably apologize to my family, as BIG FEELINGS make for a tough co-habitation

Labels: anxiety, depression, narcotics, opioids, pain management