Occasionally I have the good fortune to be able to ride in the car, by myself. No kids fighting over what CD we listen to, nobody screaming because someone else is touching them, pr looking out their window, etc. etc. etc.

What I've discovered about myself, is that having kids has severely impaired my attention span. If I have the additional good fortune to ride in my husband's car, I can put the scan button on the radio to good use. That's right. I am a radio surfer. Usually in the evenings, there are a couple of radio shows that I come across. One is Delilah. This is good for all the sappiness a person can stand. Love songs 'til you puke. The other is John Tesh. It's this last one that I am the most concerned about.

See, John Tesh has me convinced that I am mere nanoseconds from a complete mental and physical meltdown. As I was driving home a few days ago, he was talking about the disastrous health effects of not getting enough uninterrupted sleep.

Uh oh.

To put this into perspective, I have had not one night of uninterrupted sleep for at least three years. Between nursing babies, a snoring husband, and the fact that the whole universe will fall apart if I don't keep myself involved, it's not looking good for me.

He went on to list that after only two days of lousy sleep, I am at greater risk of obesity, as well as all the health detriments associated with that. Two days? No wonder I am overweight. It must surely be the lack of sleep, as opposed to the soda habit I cannot seem to kick. What a relief!

He then went on to list the consequences of not getting enough sleep for five days. I'll admit that I don't remember what they were, because my mind was still reeling from this weight loss revelation.

But, in an effort to be complete, I went to his radio show website to try to get the rest of the information. I couldn't find that particular topic.

However, I was heartened to find something of note.

The top 5 germiest things.

Here they are;

• Movie theatre seats which have more germs than public bathroom surfaces.
• Gym equipment
• Park benches
• Bank countertops
• The number 1 germiest thing: The rails and armrests on public buses

But here's something you may not have realized your desk at work is loaded with germs! The typical desk harbors 400 times more germs than the average toilet seat! And a cold virus can survive for 72 hours on your computer keyboard, telephone, or the handle on the office microwave.

Let's talk about that first one. More germs than public bathroom surfaces? What are people doing in those seats? Obviously I am missing something in my movie going experience.

Gym equipment stands to reason. It's one of the few places where a person can publicly leak, weep, and otherwise exude bodily fluids without grossing everyone out. Although I did just gross out myself.

But then, park benches? Again, what exactly are people using these for, if not sitting in the park?

Bank counter tops. Well, duh. I once heard that the number one bacteria on money is e-coli. Which begs the question, once again, what are people doing with it? But, it does explain this surface being listed.

The last one seems pretty intuitive, as well. It's where people put their hands. 'Nuff said.
Now, I don't know about you, but the last thing doesn't surprise me at all. Have you ever watched someone at the computer? They will absentmindedly pick their teeth, wipe their nose, and scratch their armpit, among other things. For some reason, sitting at the computer induces the same kind of "they can't see me" mentality that allows a large percentage of men to unabashedly pick their nose at a red light. But I digress.
So, there it is. 
If the lack of sleep doesn't get me, evidently the movie theater will.

When I tell you I am going outside so that I can see the black yarn I am working with better, and that I need to be able to concentrate because it involves counting, that is probably not the best time to ask me to tell you how to mail a package. Nor to freak out because your inside out shorts won't go on. And no, I do not remember the chimpanzee who painted world renowned masterpieces. I don't care if you want to get something to eat, just get it already. No, the biscuits are not yucky, even though they were left out all night, they are BREAD. I'll tell you how to spell scary when I am DONE.

LATER.

NOT NOW.


And now that I've mucked this up for the THIRD time, I am not any happier to help any of you with any of these issues.


Again, please, for the love of God, leave me alone for just ten minutes. I deal with your issues while I am taking a shower, while I am sitting on the toilet, while I am trying to shovel down my dinner over the kitchen sink, in the middle of the night, at the butt-crack of dawn, but Oh, my God I am under a lot of pressure to get these fixed and the three orders following it done in a reasonable amount of time so I need you to just leave me alone.

Signed,
your mother, who really does love you, but who needs a break from kid crises once in a while.





And P.S. To the f$%#er who decided to jackhammer during naptime, and turn off the water with no
notification, F$%# you.

P.P.S. Now look. You made me drop the f-bomb. I even capitalized it lmao!